The Ramblings of The Teenage Mind

 

I couldn't have said the above better. That is what I live for and believe in.

When life feels happy, normal, just simple and fine, I can't help but distrust it. Is it really what it seems?

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Just because someone is wallowing in their own misery, doesn't mean they see it so. People can create their own personal hell, and not even realize it. They're happy that way, happy being sad, spiteful, or angry. Happy hating the world. Happy in their own pride and misery.

In the end they really are only cheating themselves though. They don't want to reach higher, because to them it's not worth it. They don't want to.

Misery doesn't always seem like misery. It can seem normal, perfect, fine. But what the people who live in their misery don't realize is that yes they are happy, but they could be even happier. They don't realize what  they cheat themselves and those around them of. But the ones who DO realize this, and do nothing about it are all the more ignorant. And in their ignorance, lies their ever consuming hell of living in denial. But don't try telling them this, they'll fight you and not believe you and act as if they see what they really cannot.

There is something in life that everyone wants, needs to accomplish. Something that each and everyone on this earth desires more then anything else. Something we will fight till our death for. Do you know what it is you want?

Making history, being remembered for something. Be coming something great for yourself, or for others. Moments that define history, define people, define us.

Moments can define people, nations. They can bring about many great and wonderful things, or many horrifying and bone chilling ones. What kind of moments are you living for? What moment do you reach for?
What moment will define you in history? Set you apart from everyone else, will you be remembered? Or will you be forgotten?

Will you go out without a fight? Or go down with tears, blood, pain, grief, fighting for and with everything you have to make that one defining moment in history. That one moment that speaks to everyone around, that one moment that will forever define you, define the people around you. That one moment that can inspire lives, or bring about hate. That one moment, when you become a part of history. The moment when you are something. When you set yourself apart, and mark yourself among the great.

Is that moment worth fighting for?

My answer is yes, it is.

clarity

1.	clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

2.	the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye; pellucidity: the clarity of pure water.

clarity
noun
1.	free from obscurity and easy to understand; the comprehensibility of clear expression [ant: unclearness, abstruseness]
2.	the quality of clear water; "when she awoke the clarity was back in her eyes" [syn: clearness] [ant: opacity]

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Everyone wants something, the key is knowing how to get it. How far will you go, and how much can you sacrifice? How much do you really want it, and best of all why? Are your reasons for wanting pure enough? Are they genuine and selfless, or selfish? Are the things you want something you can truly desire? Are they worth the desire you have for them? Are they fickle things that wont matter once you have them, or are they things that could stand the tests of time?

Everyone wants something in life, something important and unique only to themselves.
What do you want?

The things you want, truly want, are never changing and always there. The desire is embedded within your heart, it never sleeps, never rests from dusk till dawn. The thought of it brings a peace of mind, a stillness of heart. The desire for it will drive you to it, push you forward, stronger and stronger as you go. And even when accomplished and won, it never leaves, never fades. It carries on, always there, never forgotten, always needed, forever treasured inside it's home within your heart.

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The words that are written, simple dreams, wishes, and fantasies. How I wish it was reality. But reality is a vast difference from the words. Reality is set apart from the thoughts, and in those thoughts can be found another type of reality. A reality we create from our hopes, and feelings. A reality which we create to protect our delicate hearts, or fuel our burning anger andrage.

But living in that faux reality isn't quite how it should be. But we cannot live without it either, for if we lived without then we would live lives without instincts or feelings. We would become a simple, mindless personage who cannot comprehend the feelings of others. The feelings behind others and our own choices.

The challenge of reality, of all feelings and thought is simple. Remember both realities, and in so doing create something beautifully real.

Come along with me now, lets play a game of pretend! Lets pretend I never even knew you, lets pretend I'm a happy person. No scars ever marred this beautiful skin. I'm 100% totally sane and in control.

Lets make believe that things are how it should be. Lets think of things how we want them.

Who ever said the grass was green? I think it's blue. It can be blue because that's how I want it. Don't you want that too? The mind can tell you a million lies, and so long as that's what you want it's how it is. All those smiles are real, everyone has only my best interest in mind. Good intentions rule this world of mine.

Lets play in a world where everyone loves you, everyone sees you. Lets play games in our minds, games of truth and twisted lies.
Lets pretend that rose has no thorns, lets pretend we don't see the scorn. I can't see the blood on your hands, on my own. Because I simply don't want to. It's not blood, but lovely lovely happiness.

Those frowns they give, their secret smiles. Those lying eyes, I'll believe the lies. The hateful words, whispering love in my ears.

Lets pretend that I'm beautiful and they all envy me. Lets pretend I'm an angel who has some form of wings.

Lets believe that time never goes by, that love never flies away. I'll just pretend you actually did care. That I'm a happy happy fool who believes in you. At least that last line was truth.

This is for the best... at least for now.
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Pretend You don't see her
She was never even there
Never made a mistake
Cause she wasn't even here

Such a tragedy but in reality
she was always there

pretend she never was
forget all the words she said
even if they're sincere

So just forget her
That's why you left
Left her standing there

What could she do
she really really loved you
and she can't find
a reason to justify

she's still holding on
nothing you ever say
will drive her away

cause she's not broken
and she's not hoping
she's still standing there

doesn't know what to think
cause everything you told her
goes against her feelings
she just wants to understand

So pretend she's long gone
but in reality, she's still there
And she's not going anywhere

Father in heaven, what kind of lesson are you trying to teach? Why would he say those things to me? Are they true, are they lies?
He claims it true, but I'm not feeling it inside. I think that the lies are there, the lies are about the lies. I think or maybe I just want to believe. But my heart tells me so, and my mind agrees. Never have they had such perfect harmony. Father, what am I to do? Father, I can't keep living like this. Father, what was the purpose. Is this how it's meant to be? A wasted month, such a tragedy. Too much time have I spent. Too many secrets shared. Too much Father, too much. It simply cannot be without reason. It cannot be without meaning.

He says goodbye. But Is it really the last goodbye?

No Father, I can say without a doubt. This is not our last goodbye. He says I'm sincere. It's what I only ever wanted to hear. If I really am sincere, then my promise still will hold. My promise to you my father, my promise to him i will keep.

Some people like to be people pleasers. They like to please the people around them, they avoid confrontation. Avoid things they know wont attract others. The like to observe things, and will go out of their way to make others feel comfortable. Because if others feel comfort, they do.

But sometimes, these people wont please others. Why? Their own discomfort. But only in extreme cases were something they hold of value, something important to them is in jeopardy. Something they cannot jeopardies for anything.

Moving past awkwardness can be very hard... but once done it can achieve wonders. Right?

Sometimes, there are things you need to talk about.. and yet no one is there to talk to about it. Sure writing in a journal helps some, but you need something real! Not even best friends can be talked to because your so embarrassed. So filled with guilt and shame. Because you know that even though they say it wont matter to them, it wont taint their image of you. It will, it'll sicken them. Shame them, and turn them away.

Peoples impression of you shouldn't matter, and yet they do. Not just anyones, but the people close to you. You don't want them to be ashamed, you want to keep your darker side away from them. Too bad when you both screw up and both see the bad side it only gets worse.  You'd think hey it'd be easier right? No it's a thousand times harder, because you end up blaming yourself for their mess up, and your own mistakes. You blame your self, and can't seem to find a way out.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bEpHkvQKOyc&feature=rec-fresh

^mindless charlie the unicorn 2...

http://www.cafepress.com/filmcow.190779417

^ liopleurodon '08 bumper sticker FTW!

If only life was a simple as a flower's. To live, to be beautiful. To die and never have a care. To be given to those with love, to be painted of and cared for. Then to die, and end. Silently, happily. Without a care in the world.

I wish I could take somethings back, rewrite my life. Most the time I'm completely against that idea... but right now... this is one thing I know wouldn't make a difference if I changed it.

How could this mistake really make a good difference. It's only putting guilt upon me, and perhaps ruining myself and others.

How could I?

Some guilt doesn't feel so bad. it's there then gone. some guilt, is horrible... so horrid you just want to puke.
your insides feel all wrong, your head is going crazy.

yet.. there isn't anything to do but feel guilty about this guilt. just suffer it... hope things go for the best

There are two kinds of moments, the moments when you get caught up in something and go too far, and the moment of truth... the moment where you make your decision which changes your life.
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Some questions aren't worth their answers.

Some questions, you just don't need to ask.
Because in asking it breaks the fragile reality we live in.

A reality we're clinging to desperately. A reality we want to stay the same.
This reality, it's no lie. It's not true either.

It's a fabricated reality where I pretend you don't know something.
And you never ask the question.
It's only ever joked about.

I wonder, what happens if reality shifts?

Would our answers make us happy, would the truth be so sad?
Would we still be friends, or would we be mad?
Would we regret knowing, or forever live in shame?
Would we be open, or forever hide our pain?

All those silly questions we hide from.
Maybe all of our assumptions are wrong.

And maybe... just maybe... we shouldn't assume it's all wrong.

Are pointless.. at least for me anyways.
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why can't guys take no for an answer?
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Can a dream really come true?
Even now as I write this I can feel it pulling me in.
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forgive the following lamely put together poetry and stuff... i don't have the time to put this together nicely.. and honestly.. this is dedicated to someone important to me and i don't think it makes a huge difference to her... it's the words not the way it sounds together.

we promised each other forever
but now that's just apiece of the past
no soft godbyes
no happy simles
nothing but regrets

but in memory
love still lives

you promised me a bridesmaid
i promised you a dress

clingying to each other
throughout all those horror movies
sharing silent laughs in sunday school class

that's what i'll remember
till my very last day

i'll remember the way you laugh
all our clumsy mistakes
the trouble we caused

in our days of life
          we are just the past
in our hearts
           we will always last

you were the first
b e s t
and now the very
l  a  s  t

no oneelse willever take that place
you are always number one
in my heart

i will always remember
whipped cream, cookie dough
adventures in old closests
and theatre seats

i will only remember
when we once were children
young and gay
with sunshine, rain
and happy hearts together
during all our pain
when we once were together
and nothing ever tore us apart

love does not fade
love strengthens with age

forgive me for not being all i could be. forgive me for not being strong, i will always go on.
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i can't stand how people who don't even know you can so quickly judge you. it's like they decide to hate you for no apparent reason.

me and bunch of different church people all post on this little fb message thing. well we needed to make a new one and someone was like.. we should invite addison.

i simply stated without even saying anything nasty all i said was. i'd rather we didn't, most the people i know have been having issues with him lately.


well lo and behold no one really cared and invited him anyways. i still didn't have too much of a problem with this. they wanted to invite him their choice. but then this chick jumps on my case and tell me how 'that wasn't very nice' well gee sorry i tried. plus i know a lot about this chick and i know she isn't all that 'nice' either so who the heck is she to judge me!?

people can be such fags.

I give people plenty of chances... sometimes it might not seem like it but, I really am.

Sometimes... most of the time, those chances are rather veiled and the person recieving it doesn't even notice. But to me, that's what giving someone a real chance is. It's presenting them with the opportunity to say "Hey I want to be in your life," and if it gets shot down well... too bad for them, they made their choice didn't they?

But even then I usually try again and again... subtle little hints that'll say "Hey I need you in my life," But keep on turning those things down and I will stop. Eventually I give you one last chance, take it or leave it. At this point I've accepted that you're not coming back.

Dreams are a wonderful thing, sometimes it's good to dream. But dreams are dreams and never reality. Sometimes, I wish they could be. Yet I know that they will never come, and I could wait for them from dusk till dawn but no more of a difference would they make.

We dream because we need something to reach for, some small sort of hope to hold onto. Yet those dreams will never really be. It's the saddest thing when a dream can never come close to being real.

The dreams I speak of aren't of Fairies, Elves and magic. Though perhaps they are for someone else.

My dreams are fickle and hopeless, but this gives no one reason to call them junk or trash. For while dreams they may be they do mean something to me. So don't call yourself my friend, and shoot down the little hopes I have. Now if I let those little hopes be more, you have all my permission to go farther then shooting them down. But if I'm in acceptance that it's only but a dream, don't just don't... don't take all it away from me.

My dreams give me something to aspire to be, something I know will never be. But sometimes, I just want to dream and think of how happy life(I) could be.

After much thought I think I now know, what it is I truly find in you that would bring out the best of me. Why it is that I relate to you so.
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When someone says something.. then i don't get it... and they go never mind.

seriously so i'm a lil slow but so what i mean seriously i'm not as slow as some people... ugh. i hate not understanding something and being left in the dark. it's not very nice.

idk why i'm writing this.. i just felt i kinda owed you an explanation. that and i honestly don't have anyone else to talk to... plus idk something about talking to someone who doesn't live where you live and see you all the time helps too i guess.

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I don't know why I trust you. What is it that makes you different from the rest? I know deep down my presence here makes not a difference, yet I can't seem to go away. I wont leave your side. No matter what you say, I'll never turn away.

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how can you see
who i could be
how do you see
in spite of me


why do i trust you so? i know my presence here makes not a single difference. no tear i've shed, no blood i've bled will change a thing i have said.

no tears i have shed
nor any blood i have bled
will ever change a thing i once said

^insert lameness here.....

Bask in those pretty little compliments, their oh so beautiful, oh so very very genuine. About as genuine as the ones you gave to me. So see, don't take it as an insult. Just remember, you get what you give, you lose what you take, you reap what you sow.

Sunday,

So i don't usually do this whole note thing and I doubt anyone will read this but... I gota rant...

 So my best friend read a friend of hers dA today and found the following:

"Cure For Cutting

Hi.

Wanna stop cutting?

Think about how bad the kids in third world countries have it and ask yourself if your life is really that terrible. "


i don't mind depression jokes, if this was just a joke it'd be funny to me. but i know the author and i know that this was directed to the 'whiny i hate my life people' but i also know this author cannot distinguish the fact that she just made fun of people with serious issues, and lumped them into the 'emo' category.

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I'm not an object to be bought or broken.
Maybe you thought I was yours, and perhaps I made myself as yours to start. But in the end iIwas never yours to keep, I was never yours to break.


And never again will I love you. Never again will I be someone else's object to keep. I am me and that's who I'll be. No one lays claim on me, I'm like the winds above the sea. You know I'm there, you can feel it. But touch me you wont, hold me you can't and in not seeing you will believe. All you have is your faith in me.

So lately i've just been going on and off with all these crazy rants of mine. which pretty much range from subject ot subject. I'll go off on pretty much anything, my own personal issues, other peoples issue, drinking, drugs, politics, ignorance, stereo types, cutting, depression... literally anything.

so i figured instead of pestering my friends and going all crazy on them, i'll just post my stuff here. nice and safe so no one i know gets offended.